Entertainment
Bad News: First Marvel Movie In Two Years Is Coming Out, But It’s About Some Chick

U.S.—Moviegoers everywhere are excited for the very first Marvel movie in over two years. Fanboys can’t wait to see yet another action-filled, special effects-laden spectacle about a man in a robot suit or a god with lightning powers, but it turns out they’re in for a disappointment, as this movie is just about some chick.

“Man, I was so hyped,” said Marvel fan Todd Hayes. “It’s the first Phase Four Marvel movie. I mean, it’s been over two years since I saw Spider-Man: Far From Home on opening night. I assume Disney is going to hit us hard coming out of the gate, but then I see the posters, and it’s just going to be about the Avengers’ lady-friend who doesn’t even have superpowers.”

It’s unclear what the movie will be about, but considering the subject matter, it’s unlikely to involve a giant battle with aliens or robots and more likely to contain erratic emotional outbursts, failures at pickle jar opening, and shoe shopping.

“I don’t know what’s going on here,” said Marcos Knight, who has seen every Marvel movie in theaters. “I already bought the opening night ticket; I guess I’ll just hope that at some point a man comes to save her—a superpowered man.”

Still, fans are hopeful. “Disney must just be trying something new,” said Hayes, “and I’m sure they’ve got a lot more surprises coming. Like, I know they have The Eternals coming out soon, and I’m sure it will be action-filled because the director they got for it also directed...” Hayes took out his phone and googled, and then his eyes went wide. “Nomadland?! What in the world is going on?”

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