WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to Dr. Anthony Fauci reported that the former Chief Medical Director called his contacts in China this morning and asked if they could engineer a new virus that would just kill Senator Rand Paul.
Fauci reportedly explained to the Chinese scientists that he could certainly stomach collateral damage, but that the entire design of the virus should be explicitly constructed to kill just one human: Rand Paul.
"If you could do that, that would be great," said Fauci. "The virus needs to specifically target white males with that weird kind of half wavy, half curly hair type. It's got to kill doctors who have a modest libertarian flair, someone prone to drama. Oh, and can you put a rush on this? I'm kind of working under a tight schedule here."
Sources close to Fauci said his phone call with the secret Chinese laboratory staff became tense as the discussion moved to Fauci's diary. "Yes, Zhou, I understand how some of the things I wrote could be hurtful," Fauci was reported as saying. "No, I don't think I can arrange a meeting with Julia Roberts. Look, I'm sorry, bud. Can we just forget all that and you do me this one solid? I really need this, Zhou."
At publishing time, Fauci had reportedly donned a gas mask while opening a package in the mail labeled "RAND-26."
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