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Awana Olympian Disqualified After Testing Positive For Mountain Dew

STREAMWOOD, IL—For the first time in its 67-year history, the Awana program has disqualified a competitor during its annual olympics, when illegal levels of Mountain Dew were discovered in his system.

According to sources, ten-year-old Sparkie Brendan Matthews, of Greensboro, NC, was stripped of his medals when post-event testing revealed he had consumed large quantities of Mountain Dew Code Red, a banned substance under international Awana rules. Prior to his disqualification, Brandon set new records in Bible verse recitation, balloon toss, and as the anchor of his bean bag relay team.

“The Awana games are always high energy, but Brendan was doing things we’ve never seen before,” a spokesperson told reporters. “When he lapped the other teams twice while balancing four bean bags on his head and reciting the entire book of Zephaniah, we knew something was up.”

Sources confirmed Brendan’s youth pastor, Lance “Buzzsaw” Butler, had supplied the youngster with the illegal stimulant just prior to the competition.

Matthews and Butler have been issued a lifetime ban from all future Awana competitions.