WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Merrick Garland responded to questions about election integrity and the peaceful transfer of power Friday by reminding everyone that questioning the results of a lawful election is illegal — unless Trump wins.
"I think our prosecutions have made it clear what we think about people who try to interfere with the peaceful transfer of power, which is an essential and fundamental part of our democracy," Garland said, threatening everyone in the room. "But it's still okay if Trump wins seeing as he can't win, so if he does win, then obviously something fishy went down and we've got to contest the election right away since that lawful election was, in fact, not lawful since Trump won."
The room full of reporters quickly followed that up with: "What?"
"Kamala Harris? Good. Trump? Bad." Garland explained.
"Ohhhhhhhh!" said a reporter from the Washington Post. "Now I get it!"
Garland continued, "I think our prosecutorial record has shown to everyone how seriously we take this. If you contest the results of an election and interfere with the peaceful transfer of power we will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law — again, the one exception being if you complain about a Trump victory."
At publishing time, Merrick Garland had prosecuted the entire White House Press Corps for asking questions.
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