CINCINNATI, OH—Local atheist Hal Woodring is reportedly preparing his heart to humbly show gratitude to the cold, mechanical processes that randomly led to mankind’s existence and his own fleeting life this Thanksgiving, sources confirmed Friday.
Woodring plans to bow his head silently before partaking in his family’s extravagant Thanksgiving feast Thursday evening to give thanks to the meaningless, cold, inconsequential universe for preserving him and allowing him to partake in its bounty.
His family members report that he does this every Thanksgiving, pausing to thank the meaningless, vast, and ancient universe that doesn’t care at all whether they live or die.
“Praise Darwinian evolution for the blind, heartless processes that inevitably led to me being able to eat this great meal today,” Woodring had muttered quietly at last year’s feast. “And thank you to those who died instead of my ancestors, so that they would be selected to survive in an endless, cruel cycle of natural selection. I’m truly blessed—no, humbled—that I’m able to partake in this futile tradition at least one more year before my inevitable demise and descent into the great black Lovecraftian void beyond.”