RICHMOND, VA—Atheist man Robert Wendell was reportedly attempting to write a coherent argument for atheism on the internet Wednesday when he suddenly realized he was “fresh out” of objective sources for morality in his worldview.
“I searched high and low through every nook and cranny of my belief system and couldn’t find even a little bit,” he said.
Wendell then remembered his neighbors, Brett and Stacy Hanover, were Christians, and always seemed to have extra morality left over. He went down the hall, knocked on their door, and asked if he could borrow a pinch of their standards of right and wrong, so he could complete his online statements that were entirely contingent on the existence of good and evil entirely separate from social standards or subjective feelings.
The Hanovers were happy to share, and lent Wendell “more than enough” objective morality for him to complete his post on the internet.
“It seems like I have to go over there and borrow Christian morality from them just about every day now,” he told reporters. “I’ll get halfway through my argument calling the God of the Bible an ‘evil monster’ before I realize that I don’t have any basis for calling anybody evil—not Hitler, not Mao, let alone the God of the Bible.”
At publishing time, Wendell had returned the objective morality he hadn’t used back to his neighbors, so he could argue that abortion wasn’t actually murder.