MIAMI, FL—Stating his neurological processes were “deeply moved” by the pitiful sight of a homeless man begging for money, local atheist Bert Arterburn suddenly performed a random act of socially programmed altruism for the survival of his species, sources confirmed Thursday.
Aterburn selflessly handed the man a twenty dollar bill as part of his spontaneous act of evolutionary instinct designed by blind process to facilitate the survival of his herd.
“I suddenly felt the chemicals in my brain responding to the visual stimulus of that poor man sitting on the ground, and thanks to millions of years of sociological conditioning to advance my own animal herd, I had to help him out,” Arterburn said later.
“I’m no hero. Any evolved primate would have done the same, thanks to natural processes that have conditioned us to generate imaginary concepts like love, compassion, and charity,” he added.
This isn’t the first time this has happened: the man states that he often performs acts of seemingly selfless sacrifice that are actually just his highly evolved brain responding to situations that would impact the survival of the human race. Arterburn has been seen helping out in soup kitchens, giving hitchhikers rides in his truck, and giving money to panhandlers—not because these acts are inherently good, of course, but because his ancestors evolved helpful survival instincts that encourage acts of altruism.
At publishing time, Arterburn had gotten his wife flowers, clarifying to the woman that he didn’t do it because he loves her, but because doing so would further the chances of reproduction and the endurance of the human race.