U.S. — The U.S. Men's National Team surged into contention as a World Cup betting favorite after bringing in LeBron James to help the team flop around on the grass and act like he's hurt.
The team — along with fans and sports bettors worldwide — said James, long recognized as a world-class injury-pretender, would bring a veteran flopping presence to the young team.
"With LeBron, the American team can now roll around on the ground crying with the very best in the world," said commentator Landon Donovan. "LeBron's been there. He's faked injuries on the biggest stage, and knows how to cry real tears under pressure. The U.S. team has a ton of potential, but you need a leader who can show the young guys how to keep sobbing until they roll out a wheelchair."
Sources said James immediately got to work with the team, conducting a series of intensive training sessions in which players learned how to somersault three times after incidental contact. "At first it felt unnatural," said one U.S. midfielder. "But LeBron showed us the way. He literally got the medical team to carry him off the field on a stretcher after a pre-game handshake. We've got a lot to learn."
At publishing time, prediction markets had moved the United States ahead of several European powers after LeBron showed the American team how to more effectively whine to the referees.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
