ENOCH, UT — Associate Pastor Elijah Stormbringer was assumed bodily into heaven during the Sunday service after a perfect delivery of the morning announcements. Stormbringer, who'd been serving at New Wine Fellowship for three years, was unable to give his two weeks notice before ascending on high with the shout of a trumpet.
A live stream of the the service caught the miraculous event on camera.
"Finally, let us all remember sister Susan Quilting in our prayers. She will be undergoing heart surgery on Tuesday. Her family will need meals for the next two weeks," announced Stormbringer just before being enveloped in a brilliant light. "Wait — What is this? WHAT'S HAPPENING?"
Stormbringer appeared to levitate off the ground as a ladder appeared behind him: and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it.
"Be not afraid," said an angel, later identified as Gabriel. "You are coming home for your work here is done."
"Here I am, Lord!" shouted Stormbringer. Then, with a blinding flash, he was gone.
Those present were stricken blind as the man was caught up in the air because of his fantastic work with the announcements.
Witnesses claim the sermon that followed was a bit of a let down.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
