PHILADELPHIA, PA — In his first TV interview since suffering a stroke earlier this year, Democratic candidate John Fetterman was asked if he still possessed the mental ability to serve as a United States Senator. Fetterman responded with an unequivocal "yes," which he communicated with two eye-blinks, which is said to mean "yes."
"Yes," said Fetterman, blinking twice before elaborating with a series of foot stomps and facial twitches. "I cognitive ability. Yes, cognitive. Senator. Easy. No problem."
The NBC reporter nodded happily and asked a follow-up question: "And what do you say to all the citizens who believe you've suffered a tragic brain injury and should sit this one out?"
"Shut. Up." Fetterman fired back using a keypad on his motor scooter. "I fine."
Biden also weighed in on the controversy, saying he thinks Fetterman is in perfect health and would do a great job as Senator. "I don't understand what everyone's talking about," he said to reporters. "This guy Fetterman makes perfect sense when he speaks! Applesauce ribbenflibbet!"
Fetterman's team insists he will still be on the ballot in a few weeks and is hoping for everyone's vote so he can hold the Senate for Democrats until they can figure something else out.
At publishing time, the medical team for Dr. Oz offered to give Fetterman 3 weird tricks to reduce stroke symptoms if he agrees to drop out.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
