WASHINGTON, D.C.—As COVID numbers have begun to decline and it appears the pandemic is over, Dr. Fauci desperately resorted to his last option: to consume an entire sack of bats in hopes that the coronavirus will spread once again.
"The concerning decline in COVID cases has left me with no choice," Dr. Fauci said solemnly as he held open a sack of bats imported from Wuhan. "Release the bats!"
His assistant carefully opened the sack, and Fauci pounced. "Get over here, you little rascals!" he shouted as he ran around the room trying to snag as many of them as he could. "I'm gonna getchya, and I'm gonna eat ya up! Ol' Dr. Fauci is quick! You can't outrun me, ya little weasels!"
Finally, he caught his first bat, put a little Sriracha on it, and gobbled it up before running around the room and catching the rest of the bats and eating all 17 of them in short order.
"Mmmm... delicious," he said as he licked his lips. "They're a little bitter, but it's worth it knowing I'm doing my part to extend this pandemic as much as possible. Can you imagine if things were back to normal? I wouldn't get to be on TV all the time!"
At publishing time, Fauci was seen at a local Walmart licking all the doorknobs.