WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Army announced today that all identification tags -- popularly known as dog tags -- will include the soldier's name, social security number, and pronouns, to make sure no one refers to the military service member as the wrong gender.
"The number one focus of the armed forces should be inclusion and diversity," said Army Chief of Staff General James C. McConville. "Imagine -- you've been shot and a fellow person in arms needs to identify you. He takes a look at you and assumes your gender. He shouts, 'Someone get a medic - this man needs a doctor!' But you don't identify as a man. Your pronouns are tree/treeself! You could literally die on the battlefield from such violence against your gender identity. It's more deadly than any enemy soldier's bullet."
"Talk about friendly fire!"
The Air Force is following suit, allowing pilots to attach banners to their stealth jets and fighters proudly declaring their gender identity. The Navy is unveiling new ordnance for the offshore bombardment of enemy positions -- ordnance that doesn't explode or kill anyone, but rather blasts out confetti declaring each soldier's sexual orientation.
China has come out in support of the changes to the U.S. military, saying they entirely approve of the Army focusing on inclusion while China continues to dominate in military might and commerce.