MT. SINEH, QUEBEC—Canadian Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the original stone tablets containing Jordan Peterson's Twelve Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos. "We were just digging up there on that mountain up there, eh, when we found those tablets there," said dig foreman Andrew Henderson.
The inscriptions on the stones were in the original Ehbrew. Linguists loosely translated them and found them to be the Peterson's twelve rules. Rules such as "Stand up straight with your shoulders back," "Treat yourself like you would someone you are responsible for helping," "Make friends with people who want the best for you," and "Compare yourself with who you were yesterday, not with who someone else is today."
There were also some other bonus rules uncovered that are considered apocryphal by Peterson scholars. Those rules included, "Eat only meat," "Be precise!" "Not so fast, Bucko," and "Pinnochio is the greatest movie there is."
Peterson scholars plan to display the tablets in the Jordan Peterson Museum of History alongside a massive pile of Peterson's discarded tomahawk steak bones, his collection of Russian literature, and a wax statue of him being interviewed by Cathy Newman.