CUPERTINO, CA—Amid recent revelations confirming that Apple iPhones are secretly throttled by Apple updates as they get older, the company confirmed Friday that all iPhones are now being programmed to completely self destruct the exact moment a new model is announced.
Apple will send a signal to all existing iPhone models at the very moment Tim Cook unveils the next model, causing them to explode in a giant fireball and force the consumer to buy the new version.
“Do you really want to be stuck using the ancient iPhone 7 that we hyped up so much a whole year ago? I didn’t think so,” Cook said. “What kind of loser uses a year-old smartphone? We’re doing this for your own good.”
While some consumers have threatened lawsuits over the new revelation, Apple confirmed that its lawyers had already inserted a clause stating Apple has the right to blow your phone up in a giant fireball in a previous, 2-point-font end user agreement that absolutely no one on the planet read.
The company also confirmed it is looking into repurposing the technology to blow up competing Android phones and force all smartphone users to buy the very best Apple iPhone for $999 or more.