ST LOUIS, MO — Anheuser-Busch, the company that makes Bud Light, has suffered weeks of stagnant sales following a simple marketing campaign celebrating breathtaking female woman Dylan Mulvaney, who is totally a woman. In response, Bud Light has worked tirelessly to revive its brand and appeal to loyal customers by adding mullets to every can.
"These mullets prove just how well we know our customers," said Bud Light Marketing Director Stacey Mulberry-Saffron while explaining the strategic value of focus groups and social media surveys. "We're confident customers will return in droves for this refreshing can of business-in-the-front-and-party-in-the-back."
Mulberry-Saffron added that, while adding a legendary head of hair to each can rose to the top of ideas, a few other brilliant customer-centric ideas proved to be close contenders, including:
- Raw meat in every can
- Enhancing the recipe with a hint of Ted Nugent saliva
- A camouflage can
- Chewing tobacco flavor
The Marketing Director has not ruled out implementing these secondary ideas for the next Super Bowl commercial.
"Hoo boy, I's just rarin' to get my paws on a gut-chuggin' can o' that Bud Light after obstraining...abstraming...after not drinkin' it for 27 days straight," said one customer representative of Bud Light's focus groups. "Me 'n the old lady are more chipper 'n gators in a daycare bein' that they done repented o' that whole girly-boy blunder."
At publishing time, Bud Light had lost another swath of customers after the can was revealed to be wearing a butch lesbian mullet.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!