Progressive Really Wants Communism But Is Worried There Won't Be Gluten-Free Bread Lines
U.S. · Feb 1, 2023 ·

PORTLAND, OR — Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.

"I have a very sensitive stomach," said Mr. Johnson. "The bourgeois must pay and all that, but the bloating from gluten is so uncomfortable."

A veteran of several riots, Mr. Johnson has for years ventured forth from his parents' basement to advocate the violent redistribution of property. "The evils of inequality wrought by capitalism will never be made right until we are all made equal - at gunpoint, if necessary!" cried Mr. Johnson. "I just really hope that equality doesn't mean all eating the same bread. I'm telling you, one slice of regular bread and I'm on the toilet for hours. It's miserable."

According to his parents, Mr. Johnson became concerned after noting communist utopias often displayed a startling dearth of bread line options. "He hasn't asked us to drive him over to meet his friends at the courthouse in weeks," said his mother, Sylvia Johnson. "That bread thing really has him worried."

At publishing time, Mr. Johnson had reportedly left Antifa altogether after learning that the soup from soup lines was not made with organic chicken stock.

Babylon Bee subscriber Dr Conservative Prof contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

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