ANAHEIM, CA—The Los Angeles Angels, who are located in Anaheim and not Los Angeles, have agreed to pay actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt $430 million for the next twelve years.
As part of the contract, Gordon-Levitt will don an Angels uniform, stand in the dugout, and flap his arms whenever the Angels need a miracle, which should occur just about anytime the team needs to turn to the bullpen for help or end up facing a decent team in the postseason.
"This is our secret weapon," a spokesperson for the Angels' front office said. "Forget getting good players or worrying about building a bullpen that's worth anything when we're in a pinch. We'll just call on Gordon-Levitt to wave his arms around like a madman."
Sports analysts all agreed getting Gordon-Levitt on the record-high extension contract was the right move, recalling the season in the 1990s when Gordon-Levitt--then a child--assisted the team to clinch the pennant in a tense game against the Chicago White Sox.
After agreeing to the massive contract for Gordon-Levitt, the now-cash-strapped Angels were sadly forced to release Mike Trout.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.