JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT — Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker has turned away from his path to the Dark Side after stumbling across Jordan Peterson videos on Youtube and picking up a 12 Rules For Life hologram.
After discovering Peterson's work, Anakin Skywalker has reconsidered and decided that maybe he should kill his own fear and insecurity before he kills all the younglings. "Yes, Dr. Peterson nails it again! I need to pursue what is meaningful and not what is expedient," said Anakin to himself. "I was headed down the Dark Side, but it's like NO! Nihilism and malevolence can't save Padmé and my unborn children from death!"
According to other Jedi, they've seen a huge change in Anakin of late. "He's been cleaning his room, petting loth-cats when he sees one in the street, and discussing the dominance hierarchy of high-ground positioning with Obi-Wan," said Jedi Master Plo Koon. "He even told me not to bother children when they are pod-racing — whatever that means?!"
At publishing time, Anakin had been spotted listening to Ron Paul and then ranting to Padmé about how to cure corruption in the Senate and preserve freedom without resorting to galactic tyranny.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
