LANCASTER COUNTY, PA — Tragedy struck a local voting precinct today, as an Amish man reportedly fell through a trap door directly to Hell after using an electronic voting machine.
Witnesses said that the man, 44-year-old Jedidiah Miller, was excited to vote for the first time in his life but abruptly disappeared from their sight when a hidden trap door suddenly opened under his feet immediately after he touched the button on the machine's touchscreen.
"He jist stepped into the votin' booth, an' then — whoosh — he were gone," said Jedidiah's brother Amos Miller. "He'd been waitin' in line fer hours, tellin' everyone how eager he was to exercise his right to vote, even though he'd avoided electricity his whole life. But, alas, soon as he touched that votin' machine, it seemed like he got sent straight to Hell."
Other witnesses reported that election officials temporarily halted voting at the precinct to wave the smoke and smell of sulfur out of the room before allowing voters to resume casting their ballots.
At publishing time, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro issued a statement urging more conservative Amish voters to go to the polls and use electronic voting machines.
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