Politics
Americans Excited To Celebrate Their Liberty While Confined To Their Homes By The Government

U.S.—Americans said they are excited to celebrate Independence Day this year while confined to their homes by government order.

"I sure am glad I live in a free country," said one man in California as he checked his phone to see what the current unilateral mandates by his governor would allow him to do this year. "Oh, good, nothing. Guess I'll play video games or something."

Guidelines released by governors across the country so far include the following:

  • Launching fireworks inside
  • Barbecuing inside
  • Watching fireworks on YouTube since they're probably illegal in your state anyway
  • Whispering "God Bless America" so as not to upset your neighbors
  • Wearing a mask while inside your home to muffle any patriotic songs or statements
  • Forgoing hamburgers and hot dogs in favor of more sustainable food products like bugs and tofu
  • Sitting in silence and contemplating how much you hate America

"Should be a really fun year!" said one man in Michigan. "My application for a permit to celebrate Independence Day was denied by Governor Whitmer, so I'll just be peeking out my window to see if I can catch a tantalizing glimpse of some illegal fireworks."

As he peeked out his window, sadly, the police were waiting in a bush outside and nabbed him for not wearing a mask.


A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!
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