SIMI VALLEY, CA - After years of following Jesus with virtually nothing to lose and no societal pressure pushing against him, local American Christian man Jacob Mallory was disappointed to discover that following Christ may very soon actually cost him something.

As Mallory saw more and more Christians and pastors getting arrested and facing fines for the crime of holding church, and as he saw more and more legislation discriminating against Christians' long-held theological beliefs and religious practice, the man realized with horror that soon he would have to make some sacrifices to follow Jesus.

"I wish Jesus would have warned us about this in the Bible," he said somberly as he flipped through the Gospels, looking for any indication that Jesus said something about Christians having to count the cost, take up their cross, and follow Him. "I might have stopped to consider what it really means to follow Him, had I known there could be a cost. It's like, I don't know, if I were to build a tower or something. I would sit down first and make sure I had enough money to pay for it."

"This really bites, man."

"If this keeps up, I'm moving to Canada!" he threatened. Then, he checked the news. "Oh no."