Breaking: America Tests Positive For Socialism

U.S.—In a tragic turn of events, America has announced that it has tested positive for socialism.

Many began to suspect America had become infected when the government announced totalitarian lockdowns and a plan to print free money for everyone, and the test results confirmed the worst: most of America is pretty OK with socialism. Healthy countries have developed strong immune systems against socialism and recoil in horror at the thought of living off the government. But when countries' immune systems begin to be compromised, they start to be apathetic toward socialism and eventually embrace it wholeheartedly.

The disease is thought to be terminal. The only known cure is to cut off the states that have embraced it, but experts believe too much of the country has now been infected for surgery to be a viable solution.

"It's probably too late to save her," said one doctor as America's loved ones wept in a waiting room. "We'll give you time to grieve."

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

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