U.S.—It's a miracle: just as Israel was sustained in the desert by manna falling from heaven, now the heavens have opened up and showered God's people with everything they need to survive, which at this point is mostly just toilet paper.
Believers short on TP went outside this morning and were shocked to discover the Lord had opened up the storehouses of heaven and blessed them with fresh rolls of toilet paper.
"A blessing -- a blessing from the Lord! God be praised!" said one man in Missouri as he went out to collect the bounty God had granted him. "Truly the Lord provides for His people!"
God's people have been instructed to collect only what is necessary, as any excess toilet paper they gather will turn to empty cardboard rolls at the end of the night. "We must trust God for His providential blessings each day," said one pastor in Idaho. "Do not fear -- God will keep us supplied with the cushy tissue from heaven."
Soon, however, the gratitude turned to grumbling as people complained that the toilet paper God was giving them was simply one-ply, generic-brand TP. God, being rich in mercy, agreed to switch to Charmin.