Entertainment
Amazon's New Lord Of The Rings Series To Include Bisexual Transgender Elf In Wheelchair

SEATTLE, WA—According to a new announcement from showrunners, Amazon's new Lord of the Rings television series will include its first disabled bisexual transgender elf character. 

"Tolkien's story is a timeless and beloved epic, but let's face it, it was written by a white Catholic guy. Totally EW!" said Phinnix Glittervaux, a non-binary transgender writer for the show. "With any beloved cultural juggernaut like this, it's important that we hollow out its insides until it's just a shell before filling it with the post-postmodern political messages of our choosing!"

In order to make Tolkien's masterwork "more accessible to modern audiences," Amazon's new show will feature a healthy dose of nihilism, nudity, and themes reflecting the latest woke politics.

"It's time to have an honest conversation about the more problematic aspects of Tolkien's work," said Glittervaux. "Honestly, it's trash. We only hitched our wagon to it because it's a lucrative intellectual property we can cram our political messages into."

In service of these guiding principles, showrunners have proudly introduced Middle Earth's first disabled bisexual transgender elf known as Idrix.

"Idrix is a fascinating character. We will follow her as she navigates the rigid political structures of Middle Earth while facing discrimination, racism, and ableism," said Glittervaux. "To our knowledge, there aren't any other shows out there that explore important themes like this." 

When asked for comment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos confirmed he doesn't care about what showrunners do with the thing as long as it makes money. "Also, make sure it has a lot of nudity and killing in it like that Game of Thrones show!" he said.

Fans around the world are praying for Jesus to come back before the show is released. 

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