SPRINGFIELD, MA—In an effort to avoid offending anyone, Merriam-Webster has announced it will be adding a "potentially offensive" label to every single word in the dictionary, just to make sure they're covered.
"Listen, we don't want an angry pitchfork-wielding mob outside our doors because someone is offended by what words mean," said Karthik Krishnan, CEO of Encyclopaedia Britannica Group, which owns the rights to the famous dictionary. "Words change their meaning every day according to the will of the all-powerful and benevolent state! We can't be too careful."
To ensure the English language stays up to date with the continuous march of cultural decay and meaninglessness, all future definitions will be run by a group of queer feminist activists at Slate, before getting a final stamp of approval by new government overseer Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
"We need to get past the outdated notion that words mean things," said Krishnan. "Language only exists as a tool to further the agenda of righteous political activists like myself."
The company promised that in the future, all definitions in the entire dictionary will be redefined as "whatever the Party says it is."