SEATTLE - After a recent announcement that they will pay their female employees to acquire out-of-state abortions, Amazon took things a step further this week by announcing a new one-child policy for all female employees, effective immediately.
Employees were made aware of the new policy after being herded into a series of large briefing rooms like cattle. CEO Andy Jassy, joined by Executive Chairman Jeff Bezos, relayed the news remotely from an undisclosed location.
"As you know, Amazon is a big believer in women's healthcare - especially women's healthcare that keeps them doing their jobs without interruption," said Jassy before an audience of 600,000 workers. "All employees who identify as female will be required to have an abortion if they already have a child at home. If you get pregnant, we will grant you one additional 15-minute break as long as you use that time to get an abortion and get back in the warehouse as soon as possible. You're welcome!"
"This new one-child policy is for your benefit. Who wants two kids? No one. And, more importantly, it will keep you productive. Now you can live your dreams of working for Amazon!"
Jassy performed a series of fist pumps to highlight how excited he was about abortion while Bezos watched silently from the shadows, nodding only occasionally.
At the end of the presentation, there was a brief Q&A session in which Bezos politely recused himself for having no good answers prepared.
Sarah Josephine, a member of the company's marketing team, reportedly asked, "What if we already have more than one kid?"
"Life comes at you fast," he said sympathetically. "Larger families will of course be grandfathered in. We don't expect you to terminate any child older than two years of age."
A number of employees have been critical of the one-child policy but Amazon HR has confirmed complaints were from men and that their opinions didn't matter.
"Some of the men looked like women but they must have been men because they were really upset," said HR representative Trevor Andrews. "I know Joan loves the new policy."
"I'm just so relieved that my company supports my independence from feminine responsibility," said Joan Edwards, a trans woman who can't get pregnant anyway.
"Finally, I feel heard."
At publishing time, Amazon employees attempted to unionize and have the policy removed but were fired and replaced with robots that will never get pregnant or love.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
