Amazon Creates Online Looting App To Allow The Timid To Loot From Home

U.S.—Amazon is taking a giant leap towards greater equity with the addition of a brand new "Loot" function. Customers will have the option of proceeding to the checkout to pay normally, or clicking the "LOOT IT!" button for social justice.

"If a looter is too timid to smash a window in person, or just too lazy to go outside, we should not be suppressing their important voice by preventing them from looting," said outgoing CEO Jeff Bezos. "We are proud to announce our new app: Amazon Loot."

Customers who select the "LOOT IT" option will be given a list of injustices and microaggressions they can select from that would justify their looting. Items will be promptly shipped in 1 day, just like Amazon Prime items. 

“Amazon really feels for all the people in this country who are shy or live far away from the prime looting locations of urban centers,” said Bezos. “We are proud to be expanding looting access to more people than ever. Say it with me-- looting is a human right. Period!"

Amazon clarified that they will not be paying the manufacturers for looted merchandise, but since all makers have insurance this will not be a problem.

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