WASHINGTON, D.C. - A stunning new report found that Robert Mueller's closing statement regarding his investigation into Russian interference confirms whatever you already believed about Trump, obstruction, and Russian collusion.
The report found that the tone, inflection, word choice, and inferences from Mueller's statement this morning were all total and complete vindication of your beliefs.
"If you think that Trump is a Russian spy, then every word out of Mueller's mouth was just more confirmation for your wild conspiracy theories," said one expert. "If you think that Mueller's report exonerated Trump completely and proved that he is the most innocent president of all time, well then, that's what it confirms."
"Really, he could have gone up there and done an interpretive dance to the script of Smokey and the Bandit II, and you would have taken it to totally prove your opinions correct, so it doesn't really matter what he said after all."
"You are right, that's the bottom line."