HOUSTON, TX — In a horrific yet tiny accident, Houston Astros second baseman José Altuve was accidentally stepped on as the Texas Rangers stormed the mound to celebrate making it to the World Series.
"Poor little guy," said Yordan Alvarez, cradling Altuve's miniature frame in his palm. "He's like a 'Flat Stanley', but smaller and flatter."
According to witnesses, Rangers shortstop Corey Seager felt a slight crunch under his cleat when running out to celebrate his team's game seven victory. "I thought I'd stepped on a little cricket. I feel terrible," said Mr. Seager during his postgame interview. "I'm jumping around shouting, then all of a sudden I catch a glimpse of the bottom of my shoe - and there's José. He was still smiling his cute little smile. Sad!"
The Houston Astros mourned the tragic loss of their beloved star, with several players blaming themselves. "I spent so many hours carrying him around in my hat," said Kyle Tucker. "José was such a sweet little guy. We'd go out to dinner and I'd order steak, then he would just spend the whole hour nibbling on a little piece of a french fry. José stayed with my family for Thanksgiving one year, and we put a little cotton ball in a matchbox for his bed. He was so cozy. Oh, José!"
At publishing time, Minnesota Twins shortstop Carlos Correa had returned to Houston to secure the remains of his old friend in a trash can lid.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
