WORLD — Billions of people across the globe instantly converted to belief in God after witnessing the utter destruction of the Houston Astros on Monday night.

"So, apparently there really is a loving, all-powerful God," said former atheist Don Higgins. "After all these years of unbelief, I spend one game watching the Astros get completely dismantled and -- welp, turns out God is real. Boy, do I feel dumb."

As the broadcast of the Astros' demolition made its way across the world, millions upon millions confessed the truth of God's existence. "Like Paul on the road to Damascus, the reality of a loving, perfect Creator has been made manifest in a way I can no longer deny," said longtime agnostic Kelly Barton. "Hallelujah!"

According to sources, the Astros' win three days ago in game five of the American League Championship Series had sewn doubt even amongst the faithful. "I knew God was good and mighty -- but the world seemed so dark that night," said long-time believer Jim Leahy that night. "I was just trying to trust, even when I couldn't understand. Turns out, that was just one of those ‘footprints in the sand‘ moments."

At publishing time, the few remaining atheist holdouts were waiting to see if the Phillies would also lose in game seven.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.