LOS ANGELES, CA — It's official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion contract.
According to sources across the country, the Dodgers extended the astronomical contract offer to every single player who has ever laid a finger on a baseball, including all minor leaguers and a six-year-old second baseman on the Big Orange Machine Little League team of Mankato, MN.
"There's literally nothing else we could do except forfeit," said New York Mets General Manager Carlos Mendoza. "They've managed to sign every single baseball player currently walking the face of the earth. I heard they signed three contracts with unborn infants, too. I hate to say it, but they beat all of us. And by 'beat us,' I mean they made it so we literally can't sign any players. Because they're all Dodgers now."
Dodgers fans were elated to hear of the new development and said they were looking forward to seeing things improve with the addition of every baseball player known to man. "Take that, MLB! Ya'll got owned by the Dodgers, baby!" shouted excited Dodgers fan Luis Garcia. "Where are all your teams at now? Oh, that's right, they're all Dodgers. Good game. Try again next time, suckers."
At publishing time, the Dodgers had reportedly begun negotiating contracts with every player in the Japanese and Korean baseball leagues.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
