WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though media accounts and public perception have led many to believe the president's age has significantly eroded his physical and mental capabilities, aides claimed today that Biden recently nailed a 360 double flip McTwist on the White House half pipe but reporters just missed it.
Biden reportedly landed the sweet trick during a short period of time when no witnesses or cameras were available other than a small group of trusted administration aides, leaving the White House to adamantly stand by its report that Biden nailed it.
"Oh, he totally hit it, but darn it, the reporters just missed it," said gay and black White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "You should have seen him, It was quite a sight. Few people in their 20s can flawlessly land such a sweet trick, and our president is out there doing it in his 80s. It's a shame the media pool wasn't there to witness it. It totally happened, though."
While members of the press questioned the legitimacy of the administration's claim and even the existence of a "White House half pipe," insiders remained steadfast that it actually occurred. "If we say it happened, it happened, ok?" Jean-Pierre replied when pressed on the subject. "Any claims to the contrary or skepticism are simply wild, right-wing conspiracies that are seeking to destroy democracy itself. Moving on."
At publishing time, White House aides had also made the claim that President Biden bench-pressed a live grizzly bear during a late-night workout session and that it was a shame no one was present to see it.
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