Aide Pushes Cart Through Halls Of Congress Yelling 'Bring Out Your Dead!'
Politics · Jul 29, 2023 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Long-time congressional aide Mark Mathis has been tasked with slowly pushing a cart through the halls of congress to collect the dead bodies.

"I'm getting better!" shouted Dianne Feinstein as her aides tossed her into the wheelbarrow. "I think I'll go for a walk!"

With members of congress keeling over at an unprecedented rate, Mr. Mathis was pressed into collecting bodies full-time. "The dead body smell was getting overpowering," explained Mr. Mathis. "So, now I push this official Congressional wheelbarrow around to collect the corpses. Government work - am I right?"

Congressional aides report the cart has been a boon for both the Senate and the House. "It really helps us to know how many votes we need on a bill," said House aide Lacy Rogers. "When we hear 'Bring out your dead!', we run into the hall to count how many of the dead are Democrats and how many are Republicans. We've got some tight votes next week, so the wheelbarrow count could really tip things either way."

At publishing time, Mr. Mathis was seen arguing with Senator McConnell's staff over whether it was against regulation to load up McConnell just yet.

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