After Watching Biden Town Hall, President Xi Decides It's Time To Invade Taiwan

BEIJING—After gathering around the TV with some popcorn to watch Joe Biden's Town Hall event on CNN, President Xi and his military generals have decided the time is right to invade Taiwan.

Biden was asked about Taiwan, and while his answer concerned many, the Chinese generals were elated.

"Listen folks, uh... what's everyone doing at my house? And why is my house a CNN stage?" said Biden in his classic folksy way, while clenching his fists as he was also filling his diaper. "Whippersnapper! Eh, I shouldn't say that. Uh, well anyway..."

"Look at him!" said President Xi to his commanders while eating from a jar of honey with his bare hands. "He freezes at easy question like frightened stork! We take back that puny island easy! Biden no stop us!" Xi then rang a gong and tied his written orders to the legs of messenger cranes, which flew to the four corners of the Middle Kingdom to signal the attack.

CNN later reported that Biden's fist-clenching episode was actually a powerful fighting stance from martial arts to show his incredible strength and strike fear in the hearts of tyrants all over the world.

"Biden not even doing pose right! He standing like sissy! That's not even how you do crouching dragon fighting style!" said silly old President Xi.

Biden later released a statement that if China attacks Taiwan he will totally evacuate everyone safely so there's nothing to worry about. 

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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