VALLEY OF ELAH - After local homegrown terrorist David slew Goliath with a fully automatic, high-capacity sling, Philistine activists began calling for common-sense bans on the dangerous weapons of mass destruction.
"Nobody needs a sling that holds five rocks just to go hunting or protect their sheep," said one Philistine woman with pink hair and several face piercings. "This tragedy could have been avoided if only David were forced to use one of the old bolt-action model slings."
Investigators believe the shepherd boy, radicalized by religious texts, built up an arsenal of approximately five hollow-point, armor-piercing rocks, "a deadly stockpile."
"Can you imagine if he had opened fire in a crowded market or around the village well?"
Many Philistines offered "thoughts and prayers" to Dagon, but activists continue to insist "your thoughts and prayers are not enough."