WASHINGTON, D.C. — With his re-election campaign falling behind his opponent in fundraising, and after seeing how much money Donald Trump raised over the weekend, President Joe Biden called up New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg to ask if he could get charged with a felony or two.

The Trump campaign experienced an overwhelming influx of donations in the wake of Trump's conviction on criminal charges in a New York court last week, leading Biden to seek to grow his campaign's coffers by requesting criminal charges of his own.

"Listen up, my negro," Biden reportedly said on the phone with Bragg. "This conviction has been a big boost for Trump. I'm thinking I might be able to get… I could maybe get… I could… I could get… I might have people throwing millions of dollars at me if I get charged with some felonies. None of this hush-money malarkey. Real serious stuff. You should see the list of stuff I've actually done. It'll curl your nose hairs, pal. Bribery. Murder. Trafficking underage broads. The whole deal. Anyway… give me some of those felony charges, will ya?"

District Attorney Bragg's office did not immediately respond to a request for comment on the report but a source within the DA's office confirmed that fictional crimes would not have to be created in order to charge members of the Biden family.

At publishing time, the White House had called Bragg again to let him know that a new shipment of Hunter's cocaine would be arriving on the premises soon if that would help in drawing felony charges.

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