COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Devin Rogers received a prescription for immediate, high-dose testosterone injections after confessing to his doctor he was considering voting for Kamala Harris.
"I'm afraid you have no testosterone in your body whatsoever, and I suspect you're already peeing sitting down," said Dr. Bonnie Denison, as Rogers nodded in shame. "In short, you've lost your balls, sir. We're gonna do our best to get them back, but it's going to be touch and go."
According to physicians, thousands of such tragic cases have been reported across the country. "One day they're trying a latte, and next thing you know, these men - if you can even call them that - are thinking about trying hot yoga and voting for Kamala," said Dr. Denison. "Once they start dancing for Tim Walz, they're gone. We're just trying to save every one we can."
Doctors are treating the men with an intensive regimen of testosterone injections, steak, and trading insults with the boys over a game of Halo. "I'm making progress," said Rogers as he took a puff of a Rocky Patel cigar. "I know I've got a long way to go, but for the first time in years, I peed outside... and finally felt like there was hope."
At publishing time, Rogers had finally blocked emails from the Kamala campaign, then went outside and built a chair with his bare hands.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
