MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz has just added another distinguished award to his already impressive military resume. According to sources, the battle-hardened veteran awarded himself a Purple Heart after his motorcade was involved in a fender bender yesterday.
While sources say that the incident was "relatively minor," as Walz had accidentally bumped into a parked car, the Minnesota governor decided it was a good enough opportunity for him to spiff up his military career just a little more.
"I, Tim Walz, for my outstanding bravery and courage in the face of suffering slight back pain as a result of rear-ending another person's parked car, do hereby award myself the Purple Medal for Distinguished Valor or something," Walz reportedly intoned, gazing balefully at the damage with his best grizzly veteran's face. "In recognition of my service, I would like to offer myself my sincerest congratulations and best wishes. Science bless America. Communism is the answer. Thank you all."
The move has sparked immense pushback from military servicemembers and families, who protest that Walz's action "cheapens the priceless sacrifices that our soldiers have made by stealing valor for political ends."
However, CNN has bravely refuted these deluded souls by publishing a fact check which states that Walz is, in fact, allowed to wear a heart which is purple if he so desires, especially in the light of his brave service in guarding the rear of his comrades in Iraq by staying in Italy himself.
At publishing time, Tim Walz had also awarded himself a Combat Medical Badge after administering a bandaid to himself after receiving a papercut.
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