WASHINGTON, D.C. — After suffering yet another head injury, Senator John Fetterman announced he was joining the Whig Party.
Fetterman reportedly collapsed during an early morning walk near his home in Braddock, PA after feeling light headed. In the resulting fall, Fetterman suffered numerous cuts and abrasions. But he's perfectly fine, his office reported, aside from the fact he believes the year is now 1834.
"President Jackson never should have dismantled the Second Bank of the United States!" Fetterman said upon returning to Washington a week later. "Henceforth, I shall align with the Whig Party."
Democrats blasted Fetterman for abandoning the party to pursue 1830's policy such as high tariffs and the development of roads. "We must connect farms to ports to expedite trade," Fetterman argued on the Senate floor.
Though Fetterman's injury has made it difficult for him to cooperate with Democrats, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer believed he could use the senator's traumatic brain injury to his advantage by convincing him Donald Trump is Andrew Jackson.
"He wants to kill all the savages, John. And he hates the National Bank so much!" Schumer allegedly said in a private meeting with Fetterman.
At publishing time, despite the difficulties both parties had in working with Fetterman, they were impressed by his new formal dress. "He looks so dapper," commented Trump. "So professional. Maybe I should join the Whig Party."
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
