After Hearing It’s A Dangerous Hazard That’s Killed Millions, Biden Proposes Ban On Fire
U.S. · Jan 12, 2023 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden's continued efforts to make the world a better place by judiciously banning everything people hold dear continues to bear fruit. After educating the ignorant public on the dangers of gas stoves, the Commander-in-Chief has now set his crosshairs on a hazard that has killed millions throughout history: Fire.

Biden will sign the proposed ban on fire as soon as staffers find a pen that's not all chewed up and slobbery.

"If you thought gas stoves were murder machines, wait 'til you hear about even dangerouser fire," said Biden to a flock of journalists, some of whom just this morning had ignorantly used fire to ritualistically burn an effigy of Trump. "You may not know this, but fire has been used in tanks and missiles since its invention during the Paleolithic Period."

The president then described how fire could have been used by white nationalist MAGA-supporting rioters on January 6th to destroy democracy even more had they known about its ability to destroy things like paper and democracy.

"Fire must be banned to protect everyone, including those who burn their eyebrows off trying to destroy some old unimportant documents sitting next to their Corvette in the garage."

At publishing time, newly-minted Senator John Fetterman threw in his support with the ban on the dangerous substance with an eloquent, "Fire bad."

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.