WASHINGTON, D.C. - Biden tried to warn us. He's been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA. But no one took him seriously, figuring he was just off his meds again. But no - he was actually speaking clearly for the first time in his life.
For lo, a danger to all humanity has appeared above the D.C. skyline: ULTRA MAGA MAN, the final form of dangerous former president, insurrectionist, and taco bowl enthusiast Donald Trump. Having finally absorbed the powers of his defeated haters and all the "sad, pathetic losers" he's roasted over the years, Trump morphed into the most powerful version of himself yet.
"His powers, they're - they're off the charts!" shouted one scientist operating an energy detection device in the streets below. "We've never seen power of this magnitude! We're all going to die! Run for your lives!"
"YES! YEEEEEEES!!!" cackled Trump as his ULTRA MAGA suit grew and rearranged itself into its ultra form, usually reserved only for the most epic of foes. "Phenomenal, tremendous powers! The best powers, really. Everyone says so!"
Analysts say the Ultra Maga form of Trump may be completely invulnerable. Powers include the ability to trash his foes, remain as president forever, and stare directly into the sun without his eyesight being harmed. Ultra Maga Man can continue growing in power, too, as he absorbs the power of anyone he kills or dunks on via the internet.
Trump then laid out his plans for world domination, but unfortunately, no one saw them because they were posted to Truth Social.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
