JACKSON, MS — Local man Derrick Gibbens has finally completed a free mobile game and is happy to report that it only took him $3000 and 800 hours of his time to beat it.
"I downloaded it on my phone while I was bored and waiting around the airport. It was free, after all!" said Derrick Gibbens. "But then I quickly realized that if I wanted to clear some debris from my settlement I'd need a couple more free gems. So I'd either have to wait 18 hours for more or I could simply buy the limited time, new player's only 'King's Bounty Super Gem Value Pack' for only $99.99."
"It's actually a great use of my money because now this free game that I bought to pass the time has now become something that I spend hours playing every day," justified Derrick. "If anything, I'm actually saving myself time whenever I spend real money on the game. Just the other day I bought a fully upgraded 3rd coin generator that would have taken 14 days to complete, but for a meager 1 billion gems that I got on a great sale for $300 I was able to complete it instantly!"
According to sources, things with Derrick really got out of hand when he linked his PayPal account to the game, allowing him to make upgrades with one click without having to leave the game and ruin his immersion.
Close friends said that Derrick claimed to be having fun or else he wouldn't be playing it so much, but it seemed like he was playing the game multiple times a day at odd hours just to perform menial tasks and chores for just a few more gems. "When it's actually time for the action to deploy his army he's been upgrading, the game doesn't even allow him to control his forces," said concerned friend Pate. "The game just makes clamoring battle noises for a while and then tells him whether he won or lost."
At publishing time, after finally beating the mobile game by reaching level 100, Derrick then uninstalled the game to free up storage on his phone for another free mobile game.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: