NEW YORK, NY—An ABC News spokesperson claims the story on Epstein they sat on for three years was accidentally tossed out with some old paperwork, then shredded into tiny pieces, and then finally incinerated into a pile of ash.
"There was some kind of mix-up with the papers," said one man standing out by ABC News's official incinerator. "A janitor must have tossed it out while he was cleaning. Then, I guess it got fed through a paper shredder somehow, fed through a second paper shredder by mistake, and finally incinerated at 4,000 degrees."
"These kinds of things just happen sometimes, you know," he added, shrugging.
Station representatives also believe the pile of ashes was then pulled out of the trash, stuffed into a briefcase, set inside a block of solid concrete, and dropped off the end of the docks near a seedy warehouse.
ABC News assured everyone the janitor has been fired, his mop has been confiscated, and he's been tossed outside like a bag of moldy tangerines.