NEW YORK, NY - Various news outlets reminded the American people Tuesday that they are not their enemy, despite intentionally deceiving the people in order to protect the political elite.
The media who literally allowed the people to be preyed upon by the rich and powerful rather than run information that might harm their elite buddies assured the people they are on our side.
"We are not the enemy of the people," said a spokesperson for ABC News, waving his hands in the air as though trying to perform some kind of Jedi mind trick. "Yes, I know it may seem that way when we cover up damaging information to protect the rich and powerful, but trust us when we say we know better than you."
"We are your friends," he added in a hypnotic voice while swinging a stopwatch back and forth. "Say it with me: we are your friends. Yes, yes, gooooood."
CNN's Brian Stelter agreed, saying that though he calls out the president for lying all the time, it's different when the press does it. "Our lying is democratic lying," Stelter said. "It's for your own good."
"Also, Epstein definitely killed himself, and we don't have any other information on that."