CEDAR HILLS, OR - While discussing the hot-button issue of abortion with a friend over coffee on Friday, local woman Cindy Carson claimed a fetus is just a clump of cells, despite herself being just a slightly older, larger, more organized clump of cells.

"A fetus is just, like, a collection of cells or whatever," said the woman who was also made up of a collection of cells. "It's just, like, biology, you know?"

Her friend, also a clump of cells, agreed. "Yeah, it's just a bunch of cells collected and organized together or whatever." The bunch of cells then asked the barista, who was also reportedly a large clump of cells, for another cup of coffee.

Carson nodded. "Yeah, it's just like, this thing that's totally dependent on the mother -- sorry, birthing person." She said this despite herself being totally dependent on other people for her existence, from her own mom when she was born, to her parents when she was being raised, to other people in her community now that she is grown -- not to mention the God of the universe, on whom she is dependent for every breath she takes.

"Yeah, it's just like a parasite," said the woman who is also a parasite.

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that Carson was actually slightly mistaken, and she was a soul created by God and therefore had infinite worth -- just like the tiny "clumps of cells" she was discussing.