WEST PALM BEACH, FL — Multiple unnerved sources recently confirmed a potentially worrisome bit of news: Barron Trump has apparently tamed a sandworm.
Following the devastation caused by two hurricanes, Floridians were reportedly "kinda worried" about the situation. Many, however, had taken to addressing Barron Trump as "Barron al-Gaib" and chanting about the "Voice from the East Coast."
"I was there... I saw him... the Muad'Dib Barron himself," whimpered a cowering, old man. "He was dressed as born to our ways — he held the hooks in his hand. He was unafraid! Ahhhh... woe are we, for we have beheld the Barron al-Gaib and have yet not been swallowed up by the Makers! Barron al-Gaib! Barron al-Gaib!"
Several Democrats have issued public denouncements of Barron's newly acquired sandworm. Regrettably, however, none were available to comment on the situation, as their houses had been engulfed by what appears to be random and totally unforeseeable sinkholes.
An old lady in a strange-looking black habit with a box offered to comment, but no one really wanted to interview her, oddly enough.
According to sources, though the Reverend Mother Superior of the Bene Gesserit was impressed by the Kwisatz Haderach's ability to control the sandworm, she was more focused on his relationship with a Florida native who she warned would dilute his carefully curated bloodline. "He threatens to resist our control!" she warned.
At publishing time, new reports surfaced that Barron had been seen trying on his father's seal ring and testing the blade of a Maker's tooth dagger.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
