As the fate of the universe and all life within it hang in the balance, Georgia is voting on who to send to the U.S. Senate! Confused? That's why we're here. These 9 things are everything you need to know about the most important runoff election in the history of human civilization.
1. If your preferred party loses, the whole thing was rigged. If your preferred party wins, it was a legitimate and fair election.
2. There are a lot of good songs about Georgia. "Midnight Train to Georgia", "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- lots of great songs.
3. There really isn't anything at stake here, aside from the Constitution, the Supreme Court, the Electoral College, your 401K, and the very fate of Western Civilization itself. So don't sweat it.
4. Trump has vowed to use his trusty divining rods to locate votes if Republicans come up short. After famously misplacing his divining rods in November, he found them just in time for the Georgia runoff.
5. Before you read any information on the election, call Mark Zuckerberg's cell to make sure it's legit. He's there for you. Always. In every corner of your house. Watching you.
6. Pay no attention to the briefcases under the vote-counting tables. They are there for decoration, OK?
7. This election is a clear choice between vegan Communist baby-killers and racist Klansmen who want to kill grandma. Choose wisely. The choice is clear. We don't want vegans in office, do we?
8. Remember to wear a poncho just in case pipes start bursting as soon as Republicans start winning. Plumbing tends to explode at opportune times.
9. No matter what happens, Jesus is still king. Hey, I thought this was supposed to be satire!