A super spy descended from the ceiling and stole the Supreme Court's majority opinion that would overturn Roe v Wade and leaked it to the press. Dozens of people across the nation are furious because this will "ruin my weekend murder plans!"
Here are just a few of the terrifying consequences of Roe being overturned:
1) You'll carry your child to term and have the miraculous, joyful, and beautiful experience of giving birth while your life is enriched and filled with meaning: UUUGGGHHH!
2) All women will be issued handmaid's tale outfits and then it will be really hard to find your wife at the mall: Super inconvenient!
3) Women with life-threatening pregnancy complications will be hunted for sport: And only at exclusive country clubs that don't allow minorities. So backward!
4) Professional hitmen will only be able to knock off children in certain states: It's hard enough having an illegal job. Hopefully, Congress can step in with a stimulus check.
5) Planned Parenthood workers will have to find somewhere to stab people in the head on their own time: OJ probably knows a good spot.
6) Pregnant men will be forced to give birth: Gross!
7) More minorities will be born: Poor Bill Gates!
8) Hordes of unwanted babies will roam the streets, terrorizing America's cities and creating a post-apocalyptic hell-scape: They will enslave us all with their cuteness!
9) Democrats will all simultaneously remember what a 'woman' is: This could set LGBT rights back by days!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
