Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network.
Here is a list of terrifying changes she presented to her employees:
Effective immediately, each journalist gets three libels and you're out: This is unreasonably strict.
Going forward, reporters are required to include at least one true fact in all stories: This could slow down news production drastically.
Feelings no longer count as a valid source: Sources have to be actual living people.
Style change when writing the name "Obama": The name will no longer be followed with "may he live for ever."
Anchor Scott Pelley will be required to wear a clown nose every time he's on the air: What a terrible way to treat a very serious and totally trusted journalist.
The "CBS Employees Sharing AI Images Of Trump Being Murdered Discord Server" will be shut down: Now what are they supposed to do on their lunch break?
60 Minutes will no longer release selectively edited interviews: Thousands of editing jobs will vanish. This is literal fascism.
All reporters will be required to wear fedoras with a card that says "PRESS" stuck in the ribbon: This is expected to greatly improve the quality of their journalism.
More pictures of Spider-Man!: That man is a menace!
It appears Bari Weiss is about to unleash a veritable journalist's holocaust over at CBS News. We wish those poor reporters well.
Can a sombrero get you free healthcare?
