GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A new milestone in church history was on the verge of being reached this week, as the organist at St. Stephen Lutheran Church was reportedly close to figuring out what all those pedals and buttons are for.
"I've been playing the organ for ten years and I still don't understand the point of all these pedals and buttons," said church organist Eric Jenkins. "But I'm getting close to figuring it out. So close I can almost taste it. It tastes like pedals and buttons, if I'm honest."
According to music experts, no one has ever determined exactly how an organ works, and if he figures out exactly what all the pedals and buttons do, Jenkins may very well be the first. But it's taken years to get to where he is today. To avoid disrupting the service, Jenkins restricted himself to testing out only one pedal or button per service. So far, he says, they've done nothing.
"Honestly, most of them don't do anything," he said. "I think they're just for looks."
The church's previous organist, Sally Clemons, claimed she knew exactly what all the pedals and buttons did, but she would not disclose the information unless the church agreed to hire her back.
At publishing time, Eric Jenkins had reportedly hit the wrong pedal and was launched into outer space.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
